Romance & Relationships

Messages from a dating website

Looks like you lot are most interested in the posts about boys and my love life, so I’ve bitten my lip and decided to divulge the reality that it’s become: I met a boy. Through a dating website.

You see, I just wasn’t meeting anyone in person (probably because I’m immediately skeptical of any stranger who tries to talk to me for any reason!) and I didn’t fancy and of my friends – though I did want to go on dates, see new parts of London, and maybe find someone to share a small bit of my life with.

So with my current friends (I don’t fancy any of them in that special way, even though they are all really lovely people) and chance encounters (they might be murderers!) ruled out, I decided to sign up to a dating website thinking Hey, what’s the worst that could happen? And while I did meet a lovely boy who makes me smile, that’s not what I want to write about today.

Today, I want to share a few of my favourite intro messages with you – and my responses, if I was brave enough to hit *send*.

Profile disabled; I’ve met a boy.

I’d quite like to give you a foot rub 🙂

While that’s a generous offer, I’m going to pass as I’ve still got no idea who you are!

So New England or old England? That is the question.
(I think I’d have to go for New England)

Considering I moved to old England from New England, I think you can figure out my answer.

Hi how many seafood dinners would it take to seduce your panties off and turn you into a bedroom acrobat?

How many more messages like that does it take to warrant a restraining order against a stranger?

Hi

I’m —- I enjoy long, romantic walks on the beach, cooking a romantic dinner and eating by candlelight. Afterwards I enjoy sipping champagne while laying in front of my roaring fireplace on my goatskin rug ( I killed the goat with my bare hands last June in Wales) until we fall asleep in each others arms. I’m also a stunt driver on the weekends. We should get to know each other.

Signed,
Your Future Husband

My future husband? Darling, you clearly don’t know that I don’t want to be married!

Are you wearing a wig or is that your real hair..

Because this really makes me want to talk to you.

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A.along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one

This is, without a doubt, the best message I’ve ever received in my four months of internet dating. In fact, this message kept my flatmate and me belly laughing for 10 minutes when I received it!

I know these are quite tame compared to what many of my girlfriends have received, so if you’ve got something better please copy & paste it into the comments! Just remember to change/edit any identifiable information.

Happy dating!

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